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Deviant for 5 Years
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I can't decide what to tackle next. Pick for me, please! 

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2 deviants said Owls (for once)
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1 deviant said Fan art (take your pick)
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I should really get out of this place. Out of this state. Out of this hole in the ground.
I reeeeeaaaally getting sick of my life. My mind's been swimming with plenty of things again, most of which leave me unsure of the near and distant future. I'm finding it hard to organize my thoughts into writing when I actually have the chance to write them down, so bear with me as I ramble.

I'm currently pitting my inner demons against each other in an attempt to decide whether or not I should leave my job to further explore my life and figure out where I want to take myself. I'm balanced on a very thin fence on the matter, considering the contract I have lasts only another eight months (out of eighteen), but life is slowly becoming a LIVING HELL the way it is. I literally have no idea what my stomach is doing these days - and doctors have yet to find an answer - and the confusion is leaving me nervous every time I get abdominal discomfort, which only compounds onto all of the unaddressed anxiety I have been bottling up, leading to a vicious cycle of freaking out at work with no way out. I didn't even make it through a full week of the new year without a nervous breakdown. That's not normal.

In the mean time, I know I'm not going to be making medical devices for my whole life, so I feel like I need to move in some direction some time soon. Procrastination is not a very good friend of mine, but he's reliable as ever. Art is still a strong option, but I need to refine it. Find a niche. At least try honing it down to a few different mediums to keep me from spreading too thin. And it's hard to spur myself along when I don't have anything tangible to which to look forward.

Now I'm not sure how many of you followers know or have heard of Rooster Teeth, but the news of animator and director of RWBY Monty Oum passing away hit me like a horse kicked me in the gut. he was a pretty sick dancer too I never knew the guy, but what little I did know left me with the impression that he was determined to do what he loved, and very efficient in doing so. He seemed like a really cool person. Yet another person to add to the list of "Neat People Who have Died Before I Got The Chance to Meet Them", I guess, right next to Robin Williams. I've been doing some digging, and some of the quotes I find from him are sticking in my mind - vaguely, mind you - and might be precipitating into something I don't remember feeling before in my life.

Actual positive motivation? Maybe. Positive reinforcement that doesn't wear off due to an apathy attack? We'll see, but know this: I want to create. I don't know what. I just do. It's what Monty would've wanted.

Let's see how this goes.
  • Mood: Pity
  • Listening to: friends
  • Reading: whatever catches my eye
  • Watching: the pencil try to summon images
  • Playing: night owl
  • Eating: my words
  • Drinking: vitamin water
In spite of the relative stability in my daily life at the moment, everything feels so fragile... like everything could just fall apart and make a huge, irreparable mess if one thing were to slip out of place. I have so many things to which I could tend, but I just end up staring into space for extended periods of time, mind swimming with uncertainties - opportunities I could be taking, things I should be doing - but all I want to do is draw, daydream, and sleep. Indigestion's become a more frequent problem as of late. Just another discomfort to shrug off while working a sit-down job which has become muscle memory by now. Headaches and neck pains are just daily events. Hunger strikes when it is least convenient; when mealtime arrives, the urge to eat has long passed. Dizzy spells strike like lightning: unpredictably. The few hours I get before succumbing to sleep are now my most anticipated part of the day. The rest of the week trudges on like a mental marathon, yet slips through my fingers like sand in a bottomless hourglass.

So I guess anxiety is becoming more of a problem these days. I should see someone about it, but I just can't bring myself to clear some time in my vaguely open schedule. I know I need help, but I just... can't do it myself? I don't know. It's like being snared in a spider web made of toilet paper, and simply not being able to wiggle. Just hanging there. Waiting for whatever managed to spit toilet paper out of its ass and call itself a predator.

---&

I'm keeping myself awake at this point. Sanity is trickling out of my left ear. Starting to contemplate hanging odd socks and trinkets on a tall plant in the front room, dubbing it the Christmas Hibiscus, and hiding presents for the dogs beneath it. So enjoy what could be considered rough prose while I go to sleep - unsurprisingly - hungry. I'm out.


















send help
  • Mood: Distracted
  • Listening to: friends play League of Legends
  • Reading: whatever catches my eye
  • Watching: some goober of a cat take form on paper
  • Playing: some game on my phone
  • Eating: an apple and Nerds candy
  • Drinking: water
I reeeeeaaaally getting sick of my life. My mind's been swimming with plenty of things again, most of which leave me unsure of the near and distant future. I'm finding it hard to organize my thoughts into writing when I actually have the chance to write them down, so bear with me as I ramble.

I'm currently pitting my inner demons against each other in an attempt to decide whether or not I should leave my job to further explore my life and figure out where I want to take myself. I'm balanced on a very thin fence on the matter, considering the contract I have lasts only another eight months (out of eighteen), but life is slowly becoming a LIVING HELL the way it is. I literally have no idea what my stomach is doing these days - and doctors have yet to find an answer - and the confusion is leaving me nervous every time I get abdominal discomfort, which only compounds onto all of the unaddressed anxiety I have been bottling up, leading to a vicious cycle of freaking out at work with no way out. I didn't even make it through a full week of the new year without a nervous breakdown. That's not normal.

In the mean time, I know I'm not going to be making medical devices for my whole life, so I feel like I need to move in some direction some time soon. Procrastination is not a very good friend of mine, but he's reliable as ever. Art is still a strong option, but I need to refine it. Find a niche. At least try honing it down to a few different mediums to keep me from spreading too thin. And it's hard to spur myself along when I don't have anything tangible to which to look forward.

Now I'm not sure how many of you followers know or have heard of Rooster Teeth, but the news of animator and director of RWBY Monty Oum passing away hit me like a horse kicked me in the gut. he was a pretty sick dancer too I never knew the guy, but what little I did know left me with the impression that he was determined to do what he loved, and very efficient in doing so. He seemed like a really cool person. Yet another person to add to the list of "Neat People Who have Died Before I Got The Chance to Meet Them", I guess, right next to Robin Williams. I've been doing some digging, and some of the quotes I find from him are sticking in my mind - vaguely, mind you - and might be precipitating into something I don't remember feeling before in my life.

Actual positive motivation? Maybe. Positive reinforcement that doesn't wear off due to an apathy attack? We'll see, but know this: I want to create. I don't know what. I just do. It's what Monty would've wanted.

Let's see how this goes.
  • Mood: Pity
  • Listening to: friends
  • Reading: whatever catches my eye
  • Watching: the pencil try to summon images
  • Playing: night owl
  • Eating: my words
  • Drinking: vitamin water

deviantID

PelliFeathers's Profile Picture
PelliFeathers
Patricia
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
Best way to display personality: through ponies. Have at it. Yes, I'm weird. Live with it.

Also... personaldna.com/t/?k=OODvTTMZP… Read up.

The class system is a lie, and so is the cake.

I am a self-contradictingly spontaneous indigo child.

I'm just your typical, animal-loving, philosophical, artistic, intelligent, semi-friendly, submissive, contradictingly spontaneous, socially anxious, Transcendentalist, anime-loving, cat-like, semi-tomboyish, highly obsessive, Grammar/Spelling Nazi-ish Minnesotan 20-year-young lady. And loving it.

Meeeeeeeehhhhhhhhh, being such a perfectionist sucks. I can't even finish most of my work. It must...be perfect.... *froths at the mouth*

"When I became a man, I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up." ~C.S. Lewis

Maverick Hunters unite!

Current Residence: NeoShinra Castle, currently floating over Minnesota
deviantWEAR sizing preference: Pff... what pants?
Print preference: I don't buy or sell prints.
Favourite genre of music: Alternative?/Whatever sounds good to me or isn't (obviously) vulgar
Favourite photographer: Dunno
Favourite style of art: Visual
Operating System: PC/Windows 7
MP3 player of choice: iPod Touch
Shell of choice: Large shells with smooth, pearly insides
Wallpaper of choice: Purrday things
Skin of choice: Fur works. Does soft feline fur count?
Personal Quote: "There's only one way to find out!"
Interests

Comments


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:iconnushaa:
Nushaa Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2015
thank you so much for being a member of my group, Owlies-Inc. it really does mean a lot to me. Heart
Reply
:iconpellifeathers:
PelliFeathers Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome! Owls are my favorite birds.
Reply
:iconpellifeathers:
PelliFeathers Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
"Monty has brought us entertainment in ever our worst moments. He has worked hard and so should we. And now while he shakes hands with the skies and rejoins the dust from whence he was born, let us continue his work here so that his legacy lives on and happiness is brought forth." -BigFry9591 on YouTube, Monty Oum at RTX 2012
Reply
:icontotalfan123:
TotalFan123 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014
Wow thanks for the fave ^_^
Reply
:iconpellifeathers:
PelliFeathers Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! Reading it out loud gave me chills.
Reply
:icontotalfan123:
TotalFan123 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014
Haha, really? that's good. ^^ That was my aim so'eh...SCORE! :D
Reply
:icondaragallery:
DaraGallery Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2014
Thanks for the :+fav:!
Reply
:iconpellifeathers:
PelliFeathers Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem!
Reply
:iconmyinqi:
myINQI Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
I'm too late, I know... currently working on my residues. So now:
:iconbedanker: on Knoblauchsland by myINQI :hug:
Reply
:iconpellifeathers:
PelliFeathers Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
That's fine, and you're very welcome!
Reply
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